If you only had faith…

It’s enough to break my heart.

worried womanMy client sits across from me and admits that they’re sure that God hates them or is angry with them or is ready to give up on them. Because they’re anxious. Because they’re depressed.

And well, if they were just a better Christian they wouldn’t feel this way.

Which, of course, is poppycock. Usually (but not always) I say it in nicer ways. It’s just not true. God doesn’t base grace on how chipper we are, which is one of the reasons that it’s called grace. As Frederick Buechner once said, we don’t have to do a blessed thing and that’s the blessedness of it.

Still, if you’re a Christian and you battle anxiety, it’s hard not to feel a little guilty for it After all, there’s that whole “the Bible says ‘Fear not’ 365 times so you have one for each day” picture on Pinterest. You know you shouldn’t feel anxious.

But you do.

We don’t help our anxiety by beating ourselves up for being anxious. If anything, that fuels the fire. We do help ourselves when we can take a step back to understand it, to pay attention to what’s going on in our spirits and in our brain. Once we understand it, we can use tools for changing it.

 

“They’re not handling things well”

“They’re not handling things well”

pic-lossA client or friend tells me they’re concerned about someone whom they love, a family member, significant other or friend. “They’re not handling things well,” they tell me. Sometimes that person about whom they are concerned is their very selves. Because words mean different things to different people,  I ask them to explain.

Usually it comes down to this. The person has had a significant loss. They are sad. They are grieving. They may even be a bit depressed. I point out that such reactions are perfectly normal given the situation.

We have a skewed idea of what handling things well means. We praise people saying, “She did so well. she never cried during the funeral.” Excuse me, but aren’t most funerals at least little sad? You miss the person and your going to be missing the person the rest of your life.

Having a feeling doesn’t mean you’re not handling things well. Now if you cannot get out of bed or your anger is peeling the wallpaper off the walls, then we need to talk. But simply being sad because you’ve had a loss comes with the territory.


 

Losses come in all shapes and sizes. Join me on my free webinar (late January/early February) as we talk about other kinds of losses and why they matter.

If Nobody Died Why Am I Grieving? More info and registration here 

6 ways to find 3 things that 4 successful people do

6 ways to find 3 things that 4 successful people do

Yep, I’ve been guilty of it myself. The old numerical blog title. I’ve written them. Goodness knows, I’ve tweeted them.

The reason folks keep writing such headlines is that they work. When I analyze my tweets, those numerical headers always get some of the best responses.

I suspect that it’s because our minds like order. From our earliest days our mind works to create patterns, making order out of this world of shapes and colors. Eventually we learn that round shapes are balls. (My dog is quite puzzled by apples which seem to be balls but are not.)

In general our need for order and classification serves us well. Imagine how difficult our days would be if we had to start from square one every day. Hmmm… this is a round thing… I wonder what it is. I have to learn its name.

Yet our need for orderly characterization also does us a disservice. There’s a reason we refer to the life of the spirit as a journey and not a system. We never have it nailed down. We never have all of the right boxes and organizational cubes into which we can fit everything neatly.

The Spirit is wild, as unpredictable as wind. It brings order out of chaos but sometimes brings chaos out of order. In the life of the spirit sometimes when we are most unsure we are most right. Sometimes when the path seems least clear we’re not lost but rather exactly where we need to be.

The life of the spirit is more perpetual discovery than learning a body of knowledge. (And sometimes we have to unlearn as much as we learn.) Just when we think we have everything nailed down the wind blows again and all of our neat lessons are jumbled and tossed.

Gospel says that this is good news.

In this summer week, may we have the courage to believe that it’s so.

Know thyself.. if you have time

Recently I was picking out a birthday present for my just-turned four year-old great-niece. It was a pretty easy task, and not just because she already has a deep attachment to bling, pretty dresses and Dora. (Thank God for Dora, the one non-princess in her life.)

No, it was easy because we just spent a week at the beach together. I saw her when she first got up and I saw her going off to bed and I saw her for most of the hours in-between. We played together and ate together and went to the movies together. Having watched her play, I knew she loved to color. So when I found the coloring books filled with pictures of Dora and various Disney princesses, I knew I had a winner.

I knew her because I spend time with her. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. It seems that I keep seeing people (including, at times, the one in the mirror) who feel like strangers to themselves (myself). It’s not hard to figure out why. They(we) haven’t spent much time with themselves (ourselves).

I can hear you sputtering in protest from here. You already have so much to do and now I’m going to make you feel guilty for not adding one more thing onto your plate. Well gosh, I hope not.

It’s not about adding one more thing onto our schedules, except those times when it is. Sometimes we have to say no to somethings in order to carve out a little time just to be with ourselves. More and more I find myself turning off the TV at night (or never turning it on) so that I can have some time. Just time to read a book that makes me think or to play with my dogs, which both reminds me of how much I’m loved and how much I need not to take myself too seriously.

But we can also clear out the time as we go about our day. Brother Lawrence found in the humble, repetitive act of washing dishes a time for prayer and devotion and growing in faith.  As I walk my dog I can spend the time rehashing (and beating myself up for) a mistake I made or I think I made. Or I can reflect on my life, where the itch of neglected dreams or unacknowledged pain is making me uncomfortable. I can look at what I didn’t handle so well and think about ways to do it better next time (which is completely different for beating myself over the head for being stupid, not that YOU’VE ever done that).

Even if our lives are challenging, when we are living in concert with our own best selves there is a flow that feels right and good. But first we have to take some time to be with those best selves. How are you intentional with your day? How do you find time to get to know yourself?

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Do you have your copy yet? Strugglers, Stragglers and Seekers: daily devotions for the rest of us is  in print. you can get your copy here and here. Local folks stay tuned for book signing announcements.

This is the cover.
This is the cover.

from amazon review…

“As an admitted straggler, my Bible has more than a layer of dust on it. Peggy’s book is more than enough of a reason to dust yours off (come on, I know I am not the only one, here, right?). In this work, she takes Bible passages and brings them to the present day complete with our modern struggles, humor, and hope. I only received this book 5 days ago and already I feel more connected to my faith. I am reminded that living with mindful intention is at the heart of moving from being a faithful person in word to becoming a faithful person in action.”

It’s Always Something

A friend commented today that she wasn’t getting my blog anymore. I had to come clean and admit that she wasn’t getting one because I hadn’t written anything in a few days. Well, almost a month if you’re going to be picky about it.

This is the cover.
This is the cover.

A large portion of my time was spent getting my latest book finished and ready to be launched last week. I’m glad to announce that the book is finished, printed and sent out into the world.

People have asked me how long it took to write. Here’s the thing: when you write a year’s worth of daily devotions you’re pretty much setting yourself up for writing about 366 devotions. (My former 6th grade teacher checked to make sure I’d remembered leap year provisions. I did.)

I started writing a lifetime ago; really, several lifetimes. Life kept interrupting me and throwing me off course. Accident and injury. Healing and physical therapy. Illness and death of people close to me. Sorting through a lifetime of memories in the form of a house and its contents. Caring for people who had cared for me.

My first year as an Associate Minister I kept waiting for the “slow time of the year.” About the time I celebrated my first anniversary there  I realized there was no such thing. With this book, I kept waiting for the “slow time,” the time when things would settle down. Still waiting.

Because, as Rosanne Rosannadanna reminded us, it’s always something. (Here’s a link in case you missed the comedy treasure that was Gilda Radner.) If you wait for the perfect time to write a book, to write a letter, to right a wrong you’ll never do it. Because there is no perfect time. There are only times that are marginally more manageable than others.

What are you waiting for? what are you waiting to do? Who are you waiting to be?

Now’s as good a time as any other to start.

Boomers, Suicides and Church

Several news organizations have had recent stories about the sharply increasing number of suicides among baby boomers. In this story by the Washington Post a number of factors are examined: the relative ease of our childhoods, the emphasis on youth that has led to an inability to accept aging, despair about a world that didn’t turn out like Woodstock envisioned.

I have some of my own theories which the Post didn’t address. As I work with people who are struggling, a common theme that I hear is a lack of meaning and a lack of community. People feel isolated and lacking in connection with anyone. They may have hundred of Facebook friends but few middle of the night friends – people you can call on at any time when your husband has left or your mother has died or the lab report wasn’t good.

Some of the clients  I see at midlife are struggling with depression and/or anxiety. A large factor in their struggle is a lack of a sense of meaning. They don’t feel connected to anything bigger than going to work and paying the mortgage and maybe getting a round of golf in on Saturday. They may not know just how to articulate it but they know they need something more, something bigger than just them. They need to be challenged to give something more of themselves than just a check to the United Way.

Community and meaning are what helps us weather those storms of life. They give us a way to ask the hard questions when life gets hard and a context for working out answers that are at least bearable.

This is not just psychological theory on my part. I’m working my way out of a challenging four year period in which I suffered a significant accident and had to navigate (thankfully) a temporary disability as a single person, moved my parents into a retirement home, lost both parents (one suddenly and unexpectedly and one by inches), grieved the death of several friends (both unexpected and anticipated), lost both cats, cleaned out our family home of fifty years, found a new office and moved… and tried to keep figuring out how to keep functioning as a business owner in the midst of it.

I cannot imagine how I would have made it through had it not been for faith and community. Faith gave me a place to land and to learn and to vent when it was all too much. Faith gave me the perspective that even in the worst of grief and suffering, this was not the whole story and there was yet light and grace being held for me. Faith allowed me the grace of being less than perfect, even on the days when I felt perfectly useless.

My faith community stepped in to do the things  I could not, like fix dinner and mow my grass and change a light bulb. To be sure, neighbors and other friends helped but I knew I could depend on that community.

If you think this is an evangelistic post directed to all of those people out there, then you’re wrong. This is directed at the church. We have what people are dying to have but too often we’ve put our energy into debating and arguing about who qualifies for admission and who gets the best seats of power and who should be allowed to minister in Christ’s name. If you’re drowning, I don’t think you really care if the person who throws out the life ring is man or woman, gay or straight.

People are dying because they can’t see any meaning that gives meaning and all they hear from us is how upset we are because they changed the doxology. People are dying but what moves us to take action is our outrage at the service going past noon on Sunday. People are dying and God knows they aren’t going to come through our doors because we’ve ceded the Jesus talk to fundamentalists so all these people know of Christians are the very things we don’t like either.

As people of faith we have such a feast. If the starving people outside find their way to us and come through our doors, we’ll welcome them (well, most of them.) But God forbid we take this feast to the world.

I don’t have the answers as to how this is done. But boy, I’d rather us spend our time on that question than debating whether or not a woman like me could actually be a minister (I went to seminary 30 years ago – can we just move on already?) or what color the carpet should be or who makes the coffee on Sunday mornings. People are dying while we debate the questions they’re not asking.

Anne Lamott tells the story of going dress shopping with her best friend, Pammy. Pammy was undergoing treatment for cancer, the disease that would later kill her. Lamott describes her friend sitting in her wheelchair, “her Queen Mum” wig on her head. Anne comes out in a dress that’s quite different from her usual style, which, as she says, is a bit like John Goodman. Shyly and self-conciously she asks if the dress makes her look fat.

“Annie?” her friend replies. “I don’t think you’ve got time for that.”*

As a church, I’m not sure we have time for much of what we spend time on.

 

*I tell this story from memory. I am fairly certain that it is from her book, Operating Instructions.

 

Facing Change

I recently came across this very good article in Huffington Post on mindfulness. I’ve written before about what a valuable tool just paying attention is, how increasing our awareness helps us increase our capacity to deal effectively with the ups and downs of our lives.

“Don’t look for mindfulness to cure your anxiety, depression or addiction, look at it more as a new way of relating to life, a way of coming home, nurturing a healthier heart and opening up to the experience of being alive.”

More than once when a client comes into my office they are looking for a cure. After all, that’s what they seek from their medical doctors. They want to make the sore throat go away or the painful knee to stop hurting. I have to break the news to them that what our work is about is not so much curing them.

I can’t make it so that they will never be sad again. I can help them deal with and perhaps even transform sadnesses that they’ve carried for far too long. I can help them identify the feelings that really don’t belong to them, that are based on faulty beliefs or someone else’s pain inflicted upon them. And I can give them the tools to deal with sadness that comes  in the future.

But things like sadness, grief and even anxiety are part and parcel of our humanity. They are acknowledgements of the inevitable changes of life, the ebb and flow that is as relentless as the tides.

I was at the beach with my five-year old great-nephew. He decided that he didn’t like the tide coming in. “Make it stop, Aunt Peggy,” he said. I  told him that I didn’t have the power to do that. It’s  just what the ocean did.

And change is just what life brings to us. Some changes are better than other, more joyful than others. But mindfulness is one way that we can navigate with some grace the changes that come and the feelings that they bring.